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Matt's Rail
Vol. 1, No. 11.  This edition is for the 2-week period from May 29--June 11, 2000.
Mike's Rant
Lesbians in the boondocks, votes for summer movies, and decrepit old stand-up comics. From Leavenworth:
The Massachusetts Mauler strikes out with his own monster-fan site:
Hello all................hope you missed me as much as I missed you.  I've got a major rant that I've been holding in for a week, so before I explode:
I CERTAINLY HOPE YOU DIE SOON
The above line was delivered by a cast member of the film "Broadcast News" to the man who had just fired him.  As he left the office, the boss asked if there was anything he could do for the ex-employee, who replied with the above response.  I would like to wish the same on the "writer" of the comic strip "The Boondocks."  This comic recently started appearing in the Kansas City Star.  It wasn't funny 4 years ago when I saw it in Baltimore, and it sure ain't funny now.  As Bill Macy said in "My Favorite Year," "It's not that it isn't funny, it's just that it isn't FUNNY."  Before I get on my soapbox on the subject of "funny," let me tell you what pissed me off.  Last Saturday, May 27th, the various comic artists in the daily paper (including Tampa acquaintance Denis Lebrun) used their panels to pay a much deserved tribute to the late Charles Schulz, the creator of  "Peanuts."  The many homage's were well thought out and quite moving.  Except of course for "The Boondocks."  The artist used his panels to show his characters watching a Charlie Brown TV special.  One of the characters turned to his father and said that by watching the special he finally figured out one thing:  that Peppermint Patty and Marcie were similar to his Aunt Nicole and her "special companion" Marie.  The balls this guy has, insinuating that Patty and Marcie were closet lesbians.  I was so pissed that I fired off a letter to the editor, which of course was not published.  I did get a call from someone from the features department to confirm that I had written the letter.  This person tried to intimidate that perhaps I was just upset because this new strip focused mainly on blacks.  I think I shocked him by telling him I also read "Curtis," which I do find paints a much more positive picture of "black America" then a nine year old militant.
OK, I feel better.  (So, you're anti-cartoon-lesbian, but pro-black? Intriguing---N)
Hello one and all.....

  Hope everyone has had a better two week period than Nolan has since the last
issue.....yikes!
  Haven't had much time to think about railing on anything as i've been putting a fan site together and it's pretty much taken up most of my time. The site is dedicated to Classic Horror movies of the 30's and 40's and, as you know if youre a regular reader, I just LOVE the genre.Now for a little beligerent self promotion.......(sorry Nolan)


  I'm still working on it but there's already a lot to see. As I'm below novice on putting a page together, I have to commend Nolan for seeing his page thru every week.(Thank you---N)  It is VERY time consuming and you have to really love what you're working on. (YES!  Plus, have a computer that cooperates, etc.---N) Naturally there will be a segment on Forry Ackerman but I feel anything other than an outstanding site from it's inception would not do justice to this great man. If you know the man, you understand.
  As I write this I'm listening to "Rockaway Beach" by the Ramones and am reminded of the Blade days, which haven't been referred to often. Most of you know of the Hats, but its 'rockchild' was Blade. A very hard working Heavy Metal band who thrived in the face of adversity (mostly caused by me) and to this day holds the distinction of being the ONLY Rock and Roll band to play University Square Mall. And yes, we rocked the house down.
  Must say, though, that as great as Blade was to be part of, it incredibly can't touch the "Hats" as far as sentimental love affair goes.(Wellllll....I have pretty strong memories of Blade; the Hats group was a necessary learning step, tho.---N) Hopefully, we can look to the future and try to figure out a day where, God willing, we can get together and, yes........jam again. What do you say, guys........(The mind is willing, but the flesh is weak?---N)
  Well, that's about it for now. Hope this finds everyone well, and God bless you all.

BURY ME FACE DOWN SO THE WORLD CAN KISS MY ASS
Sad to report that the following have shuffled off this mortal coil:
Johnnie Taylor-- The "Philosopher of Soul" died from a heart attack on May 31.  He was 62.  Known in the 60's for his work on the Staxx label, including "Who's Making Love."  His biggest hit came during the 70's with the song "Disco Lady."
Tito Puente-- a great Latin musician, he wrote the song "Oye Como Va," which was covered by Carlos Santana to much success.  He played himself in the film "The Mambo Kings" and on the television show "The Simpsons."  He was 77.
Mary Laughton-- Who?  Ms. Laughton was Elvis' personal chef, and it was she who made his famous Fried Peanut Butter and Banana sandwiches.  Somewhere the King is smacking his lips.  Ms Laughton was 78.
Paul Bartel-- (Finally! A name I recognize!---N) the director of such cult films as "Death Race 2000" and "Eating Raoul."  His sense of humor was appreciated by all that got it.  I know I did. (Me, too!---N) He passed away on May 13 at age 61.  And yet Bob Hope still lives!  (Anti-lesbian, anti-aging-stand-up comic...what next?---N)
HOOKED ON FONIKS WERKED FOR MEE
Being in the biz, I often hear the most bizarre pronunciations of movie and candy names.  In the past week, I heard so many I thought I would share some of the classics with you:
Rules of Endearment, Dinah Shore, Diesel Parts, Beverly Hillbilly Cop, Amaydius
(Rules of Engagement) (Dinosaur)  (Thief of Hearts) (Beverly Hills Cop)  (Amadeus)
Special mention to Beverly Hills Cop which starred Eddie Murphy.  At the time the film came out, the Orioles had future hall of famer Eddie Murray on the team.  I can't tell you how many times people asked for tickets to the "Eddie Murray Movie."  And I hate when people come up and don't know the name of the movie.  I love telling people "Star Wars" when they ask me "what's the name of that movie with Harrison Ford?"  And as for candy, what the hell are "Gooboos" and "Tweezers?"  Also, when you tell people at the box office to enjoy the show, why do they reply "You too?" ('Cause maybe they figure after a full day of hating lesbians and aging stand-up comics, you look like you could use a relaxing flick!  Hey, just kidding. And FYI, my 2 favorite Eddie Murray movies are Tracing Places and the Nutty Progressor!---N)
PUT THE KID TO WORK
Since the taxpayers are currently providing room and board for Elian Gonzalez and his pals, I thought that he could repay us by doing a commercial for Taco Bell.  Picture a team of US Marshals kicking in the door of a darkened home, sweeping through the house until they enter a small bedroom.  They throw open the closet door to find Elian holding something in his hand..  Then you cut to the Taco Bell dog, who says "Drop the Chalupa!"  It could be better then "Where's the Beef!" (The racist-parody views of M. Smith are not necessarily those of the publisher...necessarily!---N)
WHAT?
AOL recently conducted a summer movie poll where they asked users to choose their favorite summer movie of all time.  For some bizarre reason, "Independence Day" beat "Jaws" by about 1000 votes for first place, drawing almost 25,500 votes.  I say it's time to get out of the house more often to the 2300 who voted for "Summer of '42." (The lone, single vote for "Corvette Summer" was mine. Are ya with me 'vette fans?  ...hello...?---N)
HATS EXTRA AND THE BABYS
Every story has an epilogue, and Matt provided a confusing one for the Hats. (But I'm getting used to it---N) I'll try to explain and answer Nolan's questions.  The day finally came for Matt and I to fly up to Jacksonville for our final physicals, tests and induction into the Army.  My house had recently burned down, so I remember I had to borrow an overnight bag from HATS bassist wannabe Dusty Hess.  I still remember vividly Matt's father driving us to the airport, and slipping me a ten dollar bill "in case you need something" as we said good-bye.  After the 45-minute flight, we were taken to the local Holiday Inn where we were to stay the night.  After checking in, we made our way to the bar, ordered a pitcher of beer (the legal age to drink in Florida at the time was 18.................not that that stopped us while we were in high school) (Gasp!---N) and took in the band.  During a break in the set, we approached the band's table and talked them into letting Matt do a song. (Bet that ten-spot came in handy right about there, huh?---N)  After getting some decent applause for the hard rocker "Enslaved," we settled down for some fun and camaraderie with our fellow inductees.
Somehow, I was lured against my will (Mm Hmm---N) to the room of a very persuasive blonde who proceeded to show me that the shower is more then a place to bathe.  It was my "shower" that Matt interrupted with a phone call.  And like most adolescent men, I have a pet name for my penis.  Say hi to the nice folks, Uncle Willie! (I see. For me it was either "Pierre", "Petie", or "the little general."  I dropped the latter when this one girl thought I said "the little genital."---N)

I can't listen to "Everytime I Think of You" without thinking back to the STYX concert of March 1978.  Thank you God for the girl who was celebrating her 16th birthday who decided to celebrate with me!  As Matt would say, "huh    huh    huh."

See you next week.

To hear you guys tell it now, your days and nights 20 years ago all ended with sex, sex, sex.  I'd love to hear from any females out there who knew these jokers back then and verify even SOME of these ribald accounts!---Nolan.
"Matt's Rail" is 2000 by Matt Drinnenberg

"Mike's Rant" is 2000 by Michael A. Smith
Visit Mike's webpage    Here is Mike's Email

 

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