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   Now in our tenth calendar year
    PCR #509  (Vol. 10, No. 52)  This edition is for the week of December 21--27, 2009.

MOVIE REVIEW
"Sherlock Holmes" †by Mike Smith
RETRORAMA
A Very Fanboy Christmas 2009 †by ED Tucker
THE ASIAN APERTURE
Sex in Japan: How To Have A Truly Merry Christmas †by Jason Fetters
FANGRRL
The Top 30 Sci-Fi, Fantasy and Horror Actresses, #12-9 †by Lisa Scherer
LAMPIN' @ THE 6TH BOROUGH
My 10 Favorite Films of the "00" .... A Very Merry Big Box Christmas .... Christmas @ The Waters Chick-Fil-A †by John Miller
SPORTS TALK
Browns Hire Holmgren .... Goodbye 1 And 15, Hello 2 And 14 .... Bruce Allen Hired By Redskins .... Saints Go Down .... Urban Meyer Resigns .... Top Sports Talk Topics Of The Year .... New Segment On Sports Talk .... by Chris Munger
MIKE'S RANT
Final Thoughts .... The Year In Review: Part Ii .... Next Year .... But Mike, What About... .... .... .... .... .... My Favorite Films, Part 2 by Mike Smith
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Sex in Japan: How To Have A Truly Merry Christmas


I learned about the Japanese Sex industry the hard way (pun intended.)

Shortly after arriving at Kansai Gaidai, the language school I attended to learn Japanese, I wanted to explore the local area. So I took a bus to downtown Hirakata to see the sights. Near the train station, I saw a brightly colored mural that would suggest to any American a place for kids. Reds, oranges, and yellows, all colors that remind me of childhood and jungle gyms and places to have fun. I approached the mural and to me the picture was of a Popsicle being licked by an anime girl with big eyes and a long tongue with saliva dripping from it. I thought it was an ice cream place for kids. As soon as I touched the doorknob, a yakuza (Japanese mafia) member stood in front of me wearing a white suit and a Hawaiian shirt, blocking my entrance to the door. I panicked and pretended I was looking for a bookstore or library. An office lady passed by and laughed at me, her papers went flying in all directions. I wanted to help her but this situation was too embarrassing because I realized what the happy picture represented. The store was a Blow Job shop that generally employed Filipinos and other South East Asians to help out Japanís sex trade. I managed to walk calmly away without any further confrontation with the mob.

A few weeks went by, and my friend and I decided to explore the seedier sections of Osaka. We got on a train and headed to Shinsaibashi, the entertainment district of Osaka. When we got there, I saw the bridge that one of my Japanese teachers had told me about the Shinsaibashi Bridge was the pick up bridge. Japanese women would cross the bridge to get to shopping and restaurants area while young Japanese men in stylish suits would jump up and get in their way to try to pick them up. Sometimes the men were paid money because they were recruiting for the porn industry and always on the look out for fresh new talent.

Anyway, we both crossed the bridge and strolled down the main drag filled with massage parlors (really brothels), men and women passing out coupons books that offered discounts on blow jobs, fetish cosplay sex, and anal. I tried to go into one and was turned away by the doorman. I saw a black man walking around and asked him why I couldnít get it. He said that they donít allow gaijin inside. After he said that, I went looking at some of the brothels and noticed the "no gaijin allowed" signs in English. Once Iím determined to try something, I donít give up easily, and eventually I found a hand job shop that accepted foreigners.

I walked inside to a pitch-black room. A woman came up behind me and asked what drink I wanted. I ordered a gin and tonic. Then we talked. I gave her my credit card, not sure if my card was still good. She came back and said that my card was no good. I missed one too many payments. Then I heard a scary male voice very low ask me how I was going to pay for this. Another yakuza encounter. I panicked and gave him the 2000 yen I had and told him that was all the cash I had on me. He let me go and I walked out again. I was done with massage parlors after that attempt. Maybe it would have worked out if I had a valid credit card but I was tired of dealing with the local mob at all these places. The gangsters were nice to me but I had this feeling they could turn on you for any reason.

It is not that hard to find a willing partner in Osaka. All you have to do is know where to go and what time to be there. You donít have to investigate the red light districts to find sex. The Japanese have a place set up for every activity. If you want a girlfriend it is very simple. You go the Umeda, the shopping district, on a Friday or weekend night around seven, and in front of Hep Five Department store is a metal pole that is shaped like a big circle. The pole is big enough to sit comfortably on. All you have to do is find a single woman sitting along and sit down beside her and start talking. It is understood that is why the woman is by herself and what she is looking for. If you see two women together, bring a friend and it will still work. If you see a mix of men and women, leave that alone and look for the single girls. My friend, who had the worst Japanese language skills I have every heard, randomly sat down next to a pretty girl and just started talking and wouldnít shut up. He went home with her that night after a 15-minute conversation and ended up banging a nurse.

If you are not much of a conversationalist, there are other avenues. The 7-Eleven in Japan was great because all the porn magazines were out in front with no plastic. I remember being glad to see no plastic and the fact that you didnít have to ask the cashier for the adult magazines. It was all out in the open for everyone. If you are too shy to view porn in public then all you have to do is go find an alley and you can usually find, in every neighborhood, a vending machine with adult magazines and porn DVDs. I have seen young, shy, Junior High aged Japanese males go for the secret and discreet vending machine method.

You are probably wondering what all this has to do with Christmas. Well, in Japan, Christmas is the big romantic day for couples. It is looked down on if you are home alone and not having sex on Christmas Eve. Young women dress in sexy, reveling Santa outfits with mini-skirts and stand outside clothing stores and encourage other young women to get into the holiday spirit for their significant other by buying a sexy Santa outfit. In fact, you see young girls everyone wearing sexy Santa outfits with big shoes on. When you are walking behind one, you can see a lot of cheek on some of these costumes. If you happen to be on an escalator and position yourself just right you can catch a money shot.

The big thing to do on Christmas is to visit a Love Hotel. These are hotels set up for the purpose of sex. They have many different themed rooms including a Hello Kitty S & M room and what better what to get sexually stimulated then to visit the naughty Mickey Mouse and Minnie rooms. Each room comes equipped with tissues, plenty of condoms, a small vibrator (the same model used in all the porn movies,), lotions, anal creams, and yes, whips and chains for the more adventurous thrill seekers. The TV plays porn all the time. Some rooms have mirrors on the ceiling for that retro 70ís feel. Some have hot tubs. The rooms also have vibrating beds and you can usually find whatever sex toy you want. If you are shy about spending time in a Love Hotel, thatís no problem too because the cashier is blocked off from seeing you. All you see is a pair of hands take your yen and give you a key. My only concern was how did I know I wasnít the guy in the porn movie playing three rooms away? I guess I will never know and if there were hidden cameras the footage might show up on Slutload one day. But Iím not famous so no worries there.

Another thing to do on Christmas is visit a Kentucky Fried Chicken because the Japanese have been taught to believe that all Americans eat fried chicken on Christmas Day. In Japan, apart from couples and sex, Christmas is not really a big deal and the major family holiday is New Year's. I have a lot more to say on New Year's and sex in future columns. This should wet your appetite until next time.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from The Asian Aperture.



"The Asian Aperture" is ©2009 by Jason Fetters. †Webpage design and all graphics herein (except where otherwise noted) are creations of Nolan B. Canova. †All contents of Nolan's Pop Culture Review are ©2009 by Nolan B. Canova.