Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, up until Saturday February 15, 2003, I thought that Schlockarama was basically limited to the horror and sci-fi genre-boy was I wrong! For on that fateful evening I stuck in a VCR tape for the 1954 detective crime drama "Female Jungle". I had my own "Female Jungle" to contend with while watching this goofy gumshoe drama-my wife Karen Cashon and our dear friend Susan Hughes (not to mention Erin and Tezcat, our housecats who are both--- FEMALES!).

Ennywho, the entire movie is fascinating on several levels: 1.. It is filmed entirely at night, the entire storyline starting around 2 A.M. and ending prior to sunset. 2.. Features an excellent slice of life on the seedy side ala 1954, as we'll soon see!

Murder at the Kit Kat Club
Sleazy sounding 50's jazz music starts up while an attractive blonde in an expensive silk outfit is crossing the street heading away from the Club Can Can (endearingly nicknamed the "Kit Kat Club" from here on out). The Kit Kat Club is your typically cool looking 50's L.A. lounge with its porthole doors and flashing neon that calls attention to "DINING-LOUNGE". As the blonde almost makes it across the street, a pair of hands grabs her by the throat and chokes the life out of her.

Captain Crunch to the Rescue!
Almost all men wore hats in that era, and I will point out those who did not! On the scene, and in his 50's cruiser is hard boiled police Captain Kroger (hereinafter known as "Captain Crunch"). One tof he growing number of men in hats at the scene walk up to Crunch and exclaim that the victim is actress Monica Madison and they found a matchbook cover saying "Club Can Can (a.k.a. the Kit Kat Club).

Quicker than you can say, "Book 'em Danno", Police Sargeant Stevens (he didn't wear a hat! Hmmmmm.) who spent the evening in a drunken stupor at the Kit Kat Club is pulled into Crunch's cruiser. We are then treated to this exhilarating dialog:

"What are you doing here? Aren't you off duty?" asks the weaned-on-a lemon Captain.

Lusher than a tropical rainforest, the Sergeant (we'll call him "Sergeant Stadenko") can't remember. Crunch: "How long were you in that bar?"

Stadenko can't remember.

Crunch: "Characters like you make a three ring circus out of any police department! You make me sick to my stomach!" - guess Crunch told him!

Stadenko: "Look Captain, I--what difference does it make what I do on my own time?!"--Stick it to the man Stadenko!

Crunch: "You wear your badge and gun 24 hours a day!" - even when he's bathing?

Stadenko: "Yeah--I'll get some coffee and try to help out on this, they."

The Medical Examiner, who IS wearing a hat walks up to Crunch sneezing and hacking, "It was a.a-choo! Strangulation.gag.within the hour!"

Crunch glares at Stadenko and exclaims "You better get enough sleep-when you go back to duty tomorrow night, you better be fresh as a daisy!"-"Fresh as a daisy?"

To re-invite disaster, Stadenko, who exhales more cigarette smoke than a steel mill in nineteenth century England goes back to the Kit Kat Club to retrace his own "missing time" and look into the case. He is met by George, the congenial black janitor who appears to be the only intelligent person in the movie, and Joe, owner of the Kit Kat Club, who appears to be there strictly for comedy relief. George informs Stadenko that he left the Kit Kat Club with a blonde several hours ago.

Stadenko can't remember.

John Carradine -- suave, sinister, menacing
As Stadenko gathers his thoughts and his sobriety at the Kit Kat Club, a woman (Crowley) is being followed by a suave, sinister, menacing stranger (Carradine). He follows her all the way to her apartment. Once there, Carradine, playing the role of gossip columnist Claude Armistead (hereinafter known as "Armistink") doesn't want her, but wants a caricature done by her husband Al Vole, horribly portrayed by the film's writer and producer Burt Kaiser. Vole, a poor man's Al Hirschfield draws caricatures of Hollywood's actors, producers and movers and shakers. Now mind you, it's two in the morning and Armistink wants his caricature drawn? Whatever!

As Armistink thumbs through Vole's portfolio, Al and his wife Peggy (yes, "Al and Peg"-we'll call these bozos the "Bundy's") get into a superheated argument resulting in Al Bundy hitting the bricks into the night. Armistink offers Peg Bundy a ride she can't refuse ("Kathleen Crowley, a girl happy for too many things!"). She leaves with Armistink in his suave, sinister and menacing sports car to his palatial mansion.

Meanwhile back at the Kit Kat Club.
Stadenko asks Joe, the owner of the Kit Kat Club (who is NOT wearing a hat!) what state he was in earlier in the evening. Joe retorts, "You were partially loaded when you left here. but not as loaded as when you came back!" Stadenko then notices blood trickling from one of his arms. Right then one of the detectives, in a hat of course, walks in and proclaims, "The lab boys found flesh particles under her finger nails! She must have scratched her assailant!"

Stadenko can't remember.

Armistink's Palatial Mansion-- suave, sinister, menacing
Peg Bundy asks Armistink what time it is, to which he responds, "It's time you relaxed a bit!" - Hubba, hubba! Peg makes herself at home on a couch in the living room of Armistink's palatial mansion.

Armistink: "Do you like music?"

Peg Bundy: "Mmmmmmmm.very much ("Kathleen Crowley, a girl happy for too many things!")

News flash-right about now Susan Hughes is beginning to lose consciousness-the State Fair and BADRAP car show were starting to take their toll on her, but not like the nerve-wracking suspense of. the FEMALE JUNGLE!

Armistink turns on his mega-stereo system playing symphonic music at about 180 decibels.

"Absolutely one of the greatest symphonies ever written" says Armistink to Peg Bundy. He then blankly stares at a portrait of his dead blonde wife-I said, he then blankly stares at a portrait of his dead blonde wife! Peg Bundy next wants to see Armistink's suave, sinister and menacing pool ("Kathleen Crowley, a girl happy for too many things!"). He gladly shows Peg Bundy the pool-Armistink is dressed to kill!

I Want Candy!
Before you can say "Freeze it-Miami Vice!", a still-clueless Stadenko is back out into the night, sauntering the street of dreams and walking into puddles while smoking like a Bessemer furnace. He decides to see his blonde bimbette girlfriend played by 50's sex kitten Jayne Mansfield. Quicker than you can say "P.O.T.-Plenty of Trouble!", Stadenko has stuck his head in the ample cleavage of his blonde bimbette girlfriend Candy Price (no, not Eddie Money or Vincent Price, but Candy Price!). "Where did I leave you tonight?" asks Stadenko.

Stadenko can't remember.

"Back at the Can Can Club!" responds Ms. Price in her leopard skin leotards. Stadenko tries to get amorous-- "You're hurting me!" whences Candy, followed by SMOOOOCCCHHH. On the radio in the background there is a story about the introduction of a new actress-MONICA (not Oscar) MADISON, and her agent, ready for this? CLAUDE ARMISTINK! No time for romance, Stadenko boogies out the door back into the night and the Kit Kat Club.

I Want Some Too.
About two seconds after Stadenko leaves Candy's domicile, caricaturist and general loser Al Bundy walks through the door. Candy offers Al Bundy some booze while saying, "Want some?" Hubba, hubba! "You've been ignoring me Al!" whines Candy. With that, Bundy races up the stairs to his own apartment (how convenient!) out of concern for Peg who he's running around on.

News flash -- Susan's motor functions begin to falter as her system overloads on the bad dialog and awful acting-Susan is now-is now-ASLEEP!

Meanwhile back at the Kit Kat Club.
Stadenko calls Armistink wanting him to meet him at the Kit Kat Club. By now Joe and George are having sleep deprivation due to having to stay at the club through the nightlong investigation. Al Bundy, in bad need of a good haircut, rushes in and screams, "Who's in charge here!? Are you in charge!?"

"That's right, I'm Sergeant Duane (let's call him-Bilko!). What do you want?"

Bundy: "Well maybe it doesn't mean anything Sergeant!"

Stadenko: "Well why bother us then?! What's your name"?

Joe: "This guy (Bundy) draws the funniest pictures, I'm here to tell you!"

Bilko: "For Pete's Sake, take off ( "hoser!"- K. Cashon)!"

Bundy: "I draw caricatures of Joe's customers-I was doing a sketch of Miss Madison, and remember now doing a caricature of this guy (Armistink)!"

Joe tries to talk.

Bilko: "For Pete's Sake, take off ("to the Great White North, it's the beauty way to go!")!"

Bundy: "I left my wife in the apartment with this guy!"

Joe next finds a photo of Monica Madison with Sergeant Stadenko with Armistink in the distant background.

Candy's Dandy
Out of concern (.right) for Peg, Al Bundy rushes back out into the night and just whom do you think he runs into. Candy Price!

Candy: "Have you told her that you don't love her, that you love only me Al? You're trouble Al, you always will be, but I've come along to give you a taste of your own medicine" SMOOOOCCCHHH.

Bundy is not amused and tries to leave.

Candy: "I've had too many old men making promises! With or without violins, I'd call this a brush off!"

Al next yanks Peg out of Armistink's suave, sinister and, menacing sports car.

Candy: "Why back with her Al? Will you be back? I'll be waiting for you Al! I'll be waiting!"-what a ditz!

Meanwhile back at the Kit Kat Club.
Archie's here. Betty's here. Veronica too! Reggie's here. And here comes Al and Peg Bundy and Armistink too, now everything's stoopid!

Yes, all the happy campers and suspects are at the Kit Kat Club. Bilko suspects Armistink, particularly since he won't answer questions without an attorney. Bilko decides to beat the truth out of him due to his silence: "Listen to him sing when I get through with him!" Stadenko wants nothing to do with Bilko's back room bush league antics-did I tell you that Bilko wears a hat? A scuffle breaks out and Joe yells jokingly "Want me to call the cops?" as Bilko throws a punch at Stadenko and screams "Why you dumb lush! You're through smart guy! If it's the last thing I do I'll break you as a cop!" Joe quips, "Maybe if they knock themselves out we'll be able to go home!" Joe later asks "Can I close now?" Bilko: "Shut up!!!!"

You can only imagine what happens when Bilko and Stadenko mix it up-Armistink runs away-and now Al Bundy is even acting sort of-crazy!

Stadenko still can't remember.

The search for suspects culminates in a Keystone Cops-like chase scene in a warehouse ("They couldn't afford a car chase!"- K. Cashon who is still awake). Who was the killer of Monica Madison? Will they be caught and brought to justice?

You won't want to miss the "Female Jungle"! It's llike Lloyd Llewlyn come to llife!

Best Actor: Robert Davis as George and James Kodl as Joe.

Worst Actor: Burt Kaiser (I'd tell him to stick to writing, but he can't do that worth a crap either--oh yeah, Burt--GET A FREAKING HAIRCUT!)

Favorite Lines:

Armistink: "We drank champagne and argued some more!"

Bundy confronting Armistink at the Kit Kat Club: "What was he doin' with my wife?"

Joe: "He's showin' good taste if you ask me!"

Detective in hat to wheezing, sneezing Medical Examiner: "Doctor, you better see a doctor about that!"

Can I Go Home Now?

SHUT UP!!!!

The movie synopsis and review of "Female Jungle" is ©2003 by William Moriaty. "Schlockarama™" is a part of Crazed Fanboy™ dotcom and all contents are ©2003 by Nolan B. Canova Crazed Fanboy  |  Schlock Homepage