Movie review by William Moriaty
AND FEATURING THE TRUE STAR OF THE SHOW, THE AUTOMATIC BILLION BUBBLE MACHINE BY N.A. FISHER!
READER ADVISORY: If dumb was dirt this movie would cover the entire landmass of the planet Earth - -
Let’s Have a Picnic In the Middle of the Desert! Before much more chatter occurs, Johnny’s mother (of pearl) and older sister, Alice (In Chains) walk up to drag Johnny and Carla back to the middle of the desert so they can continue their midday picnic in the 127 degree heat. As it is 127 degrees in the shade (which can’t be found in the desert anyway), the four picnickers decide to sizzle in the sun and take a midday nap.
Bubbles and Lightning READER ADVISORY: If dumb was dirt this movie would cover the entire landmass of the planet Earth - -
Anyway, the cave continues to be filled with bubbles and lightning and out of the cave walks a man in a gorilla suit with a diver’s helmet with antennae attached to it. He turns on a TV (probably a Medallion) where he talks with another man in a gorilla suit with a diver’s helmet with antennae attached to it that is referred to as “the Great Guidance”.
From this point we see the two of them take up the majority of the movie bragging about nuking the Earth and its HU-MANS while they use exaggerated gestures with their arms since we can’t see any expression behind their goofy diver’s helmets. We find out that the man in the gorilla suit who used the cave in the middle of the desert, as his Earth base of operation is “Ro-Man”.
The Great Guidance orders (Russian Hands and) Ro-Man (Fingers) to find the eight remaining HU-MANS and destroy them. Oh yeah, guess what planet these two dolts come from? Ro-Man, of course (“HI! I’m Will, from the planet, er, “Will!”)!
READER ADVISORY: If dumb was dirt this movie would cover the entire landmass of the planet Earth - -
A Plea for Continuity
Let’s recap this now:
One thing is for sure - - this movie is truly compelling in its mindlessness.
Let’s Hear It For Tetracycline READER ADVISORY: If dumb was dirt this movie would cover the entire landmass of the planet Earth - -
A Test of Endurance If you can pass this test and still keep your sanity (or at least still stay awake), then you will have endured possibly the tackiest and schlockiest movie ever put on film and foisted onto humankind.
Favorite Lines:
Ro-Man: “Your death will be indescribable!”
Ro-Man: “HU-MANS! Listen to me! Now I know where you are watching! Show yourselves and I promise you a painless death!”
Ro-Man: “Is there a choice between a painless surrender death and the horror of resistance death?”
Roy to Alice: “You’re either too smart to be beautiful or too beautiful to be smart!”
Professor while conducting wedding for Roy and Alice: “Deah Lord, You know zat I’m not trained for zis job.”
Entire cast responds, “You can say that again!”
United States: Medallion TV
Executive Producer: Al (not Efram Jr. or Stephanie) Zambalist
Produced and Directed By: Phil (not ED) Tucker
Screenplay: Wyott Ordung (This screenplay has lots of dung)
Editor: Merrill (not Perry) White
Music By: Elmer (not Fudd but) Bernstein
Robot Voice: John Brown (and here I thought he was killed at Harper’s Ferry)
Starring:
Roy (he dies)...........................................................................GEORGE (not Zenith but) NADER
(To the Moon!) Alice................................................................CLAUDIA (not Colbert but) BARRETT
Mother (man that’s a descriptive name!).................................SELENA (not Kyle but) ROYALE
The Professor (and Mary Ann!)................................................JOHN MYLONG (Mylong what?)
Johnny (has no last name; but that doesn’t matter: he lives!)..GREGOR MOFFETT
Carla (she dies)........................................................................PAMELA (not Pat) PAULSON
Ro-Man (Holiday) The Monster (Mash)......................................GEORGE (“Wheel”) BARROWS
Run Time: 82 minutes
B&W ---Ten minutes in 3-D Color
The opening shot has a young boy (“Johnny”) blowing bubbles in the middle of this desert with his sister (“Carla”) where lo and behold, space helmet, toy ray gun and all, he stumbles upon a cave. In the cave are a Professor (just the “Professor” - - like every other character in this movie, with the possible of Ro-Man, he has no last name) and his assistant “Roy”. In his best German accent (of course) he informs Johnny (Sokko) that he and Roy are archaeologists.
Bubbles and lightning are not a vaudeville act. No, Johnny wakes up and runs back to the cave where Professor (Plum) and Roy (Hinckley - - the REAL Professor!) were earlier. Instead of archaeologist tools, a big bubble-making machine (THE TRUE STAR OF THE SHOW, THE AUTOMATIC BILLION BUBBLE MACHINE BY N.A. FISHER!) stands next to the cave wall. Anyway, suddenly the cave is filled with lightning and it becomes lights out for Johnny (Bravo) as he falls back to sleep.
Why are the eight HU-MANS not adversely effected by the Death Ray devised by Ro-Man (Lettuce)? Why of course, it was the shots of antibiotics that the Professor gave them (I’m not making this up)!
This movie of bubbles and lightning, of an annoying high-pitched whine, of men in gorilla suits with divers helmets with antennae attached to them, of people with no last names (with the possible exception of Ro-Man) and of the use of exaggerated gestures of furry arms since we can’t see any expression behind the Ro-Man's goofy diver’s helmets, is an 82-minute endurance test.
The movie synopsis and review of "Robot Monster" is ©2004 by William Moriaty. "Schlockarama™" is a part of Crazed Fanboy™ dotcom and all contents are ©2004 by Nolan B. Canova