LA FLORIDIANA Florida's Gardens Up Front and Personal -- Part One by Will Moriaty

THIS WEEK'S MOVIE REVIEW "Dickie Roberts" by Mike Smith

COUCH POTATO Sci-Fi Hunks and Babes (or is Salma Hayek the Frank Frazetta girl?)  by Vinnie Blesi

ASHLEY'S HOLLYWOOD "Filthy" official premiere reviewed!  by Ashley Lauren

CREATURE'S CORNER "Hollywood, Horrorwood" (Pillars), Part 3  by John Lewis

SPLASH PAGE Gay World.....One Shots....Movie News....Things I Didn't Know But Maybe I Should Have  by Brandon Jones

MATT'S RAIL Answering My Critics  by Matt Drinnenberg

MIKE'S RANT You Never Give Me Your Money....Welcome To The 21st Century (RS's Top 10 Guitarists)....Passing On  by Mike Smith

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College Woes and Filthy Movies:
Ashley Lauren's Hollywood is Back!
Well, well, well, another riveting edition of Ashley Lauren’s Hollywood is about to begin. Before I begin, however, I must note that due to time constraints I will once again be unable to do the article on Brandon Lee. There are too many other things to talk about this week.

Last week I began a new chapter of hell, College. Just kidding. Well, I really did start college but it’s not hell, quite yet. I am taking 4 classes and they are taking up a lot of my time, as well as my job and movie-making. Therefore, I may skip a week here and there but I know you will forgive me, right? Quick note to all the kiddies reading this (if there are any), if you have taken foreign language before in middle school or high school and plan to further your education in it, DO NOT TAKE beginner in college. You may think it's an easy A, and, of course, it is. My god....it's so boring. I have been taking French since 6th grade in some way or another and I decided to take French 1. I was told, "It's much more accelerated, you may want to ease into it. Try French 1 first!" Horrible, horrible advice. Anyways, I just wanted to get that off my shoulders. Let's get started.

Filthy
Last Friday, I accompanied my father, John Lewis, to the premiere of the local horror flick Filthy. We arrived at around midnight and quickly mingled with some familiar faces. After chatting for a little while we made our way to the concession stand. Part of the deal was, because the movie was free to get into you had to buy food from the theater. Well, I don’t know about you, but I normally don’t buy any snacks or drinks when I go see a movie. First off, I don’t see why people feel the need to waste $10 on shitty candy when the movie is only 2 hours, give or take. Can you not be without nourishment that long. This is part of the reason why Americans are so obese. Another perfect example of how brainwashing really does work. However, my father and I bought 2 drinks, a box of snowcaps, and a bag of twizzlers for the cheap and efficient price of $13.50. Ridiculous.

At 12:30am we took our seats and watched as all the seats slowly began to fill up. Personally, I was shocked at how many people were in attendance. Seeing some recognizable actors from other movies I’ve reviewed made me laugh. I just thought to myself, "I wonder if they know what I said about their movie?" It brought a smile to my face.

The director, Andy Lalino, who graces the PCR with his letters quite frequently stood up in front with his...Assistant Director? They talked a little bit and got loud cheers from people. Then began the movies. First up was a little 2-minute flick titled, The Joke Explainer. It was cute, but not that funny.

Second up was a freaky clown movie. I missed the name of it but I will say this, It was cheesy but a little scary in its own right. It had a very "carnie" feel to it. Clowns are always scary though, what can I say.

Ah, the movie at hand....Filthy. I was eager to see it because I had heard so much about it from various people, plus it's always great to see things that come out of our own area. It’s a story about a reporter who will go to any length to get the story that everyone wants to see and hear about. She ends up at the hands of a deranged family in Liberty City, Florida. Filthy is just what it says it is, filthy.

The acting was pretty well done on everyone’s part and the scenes all looked good. I really didn’t think anything in the movie was too campy or overdone. Everything seemed just the way it should be, for a $35,000 movie. The story itself wasn’t overly original. It was a cross between Nothing but Trouble and Rob Zombie's House of 1,000 Corpses.

For me the movie did everything that I hoped it would. It kept me entertained, it looked as professional as it could, and the acting was good. That’s all I ever hope for in a low-budget independent film and I got just that. Kudos to Andy Lalino, for finally making a worth-while film in this area.

Rate worthy -- B

On another note, I’ll tell you what was really filthy...the restrooms at Parkside theaters. Omigod, they were atrocious. Absolutely awful. They smelled like piss and there was toilet paper everywhere and the sinks...just terrible. Did anyone else see them?

Jeepers Creepers 2
My god, could Francis Ford Coopola put his name on a more shitty film? I don’t think so.

There were just so many things that made this movie horrible that I don’t even know where to begin. The acting wasn’t that superb. Their was no apparent plot or storyline. The characters, repeatedly, do ridiculous things that real people just wouldn’t do in those situations. Of course, all horror movies have people doing dumb things but in both “Creepers” films, it is to the extreme.

The film was so bad that I can not even waste my time by writing about it any further.

Rate Worthy -- F

That’s gonna wrap up this edition of Ashley Lauren’s Hollywood, see everyone next week!

Till then,
Ashley Lauren