THIS WEEK'S MOVIE REVIEW "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire"  by Mike Smith

COUCH POTATO CONFESSIONS Xmas Toy Roundup  by Vinnie Blesi

THE DROW VNV Nation  by Dylan Jones

CREATURE'S CORNER Tampa Indie Film Fest III....The Tampa Giant Toy and Comic Convention...."Walk The Line"  by John Lewis

MIKE'S RANT Ouch....And Your Point Is?...Where's Matt?...Caveat Emptor....And So It Begins....It's About Frickin' Time....Speaking Of....Passing On....Coming Soon....Jaws: The Story, Part 45  by Mike Smith

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Disclaimer: the following column is a parody and contains material of a satirical nature. If you are easily offended, then please stop reading. ---Couch Potato

Xmas Toy Roundup             
As the adage goes, “Everything Old is New Again”. So besides the plethora of Star Wars toys we review some of the other hot sellers this year.

First up is the Barbie Cash Register. This fully functional cash register comes complete with fake credit cards so your young tykes can start learning at an early age how to amass a huge credit card debt. It also helps give them the training they will need for that minimum wage job they will have when all the high paying jobs are outsourced to India. It also includes a microphone for price checks or to practice that infamous saying, “I need the key on register seven”!

Next we have the Cheerleader mat, for all those potential future bimbos so they can learn their hip gyrations now. Also comes with a do-it-yourself silicone breast implant kit and sample package of laxatives (not really). Makes a great gift idea for Gary Glitter.

Hot on the heels of one the most popular TV shows, we have CSI: The Board Game, which comes complete with a bloody glove and hair and fiber samples (Jennifer Garner sold separately).

To capitalize on the nostalgia of parents, we have the return of the EZ Bake Oven. Great for teaching young girls that their place is in the kitchen; also provides early training for making crystal meth at home.

Toys We’d Like to See:
My First Wi-Fi: this wireless Internet hotspot finder easily attaches to the handlebars of any kid’s bike to help them use their laptop to surf the Internet easily and for free by finding stupid people who bought a wireless router from Best Buy and never set it up properly to use a password or encryption. From the makers of My First Computer Virus.

Digital Devil: a small GPS transmitter that kids can place on their unwitting parents so they can track their whereabouts.

Grand Theft Auto: in this computer game kids get to kill cops and helpless citizens while stealing cars…..oh wait….this game is already available, never mind.

Exclusive Wal-Mart board games: “You’ve Got No Health Insurance”. Players land on various health catastrophes and the player who ends up without being in financial ruin is the winner and “Sweat Shop”, where the objective is to open the most sweat shops in third world countries, paying the lowest wages possible to child laborers and selling your product at the highest markup to American retailers.

Alternative Toy Gift Ideas
For parents who may be upset that the favorite toys are already sold out we present some toy alternatives.

If you just can’t find the latest Bratz doll, then check out the religious action figures from http://www.jesuschristsuperstore.net/. Stage your own Jihad or oil war. Oil wells sold separately. Unfortunately they are currently sold out of Muslims, but there are plenty of Shiva’s in stock.

Still waiting for that iPod Nano? Then get the latest MP3 player from Apple, the iPod flea, http://www.layersmagazine.com/press/ipodflea.php

And finally for that person who has everything, Skulls Unlimited, offers a wide variety of real skulls, including human as well as animal skulls. Click on Forensics to see their selection of real human skulls. It is sure to delight children of all ages.

Happy Holidays and a Happy Hannukristmas to all!