PCR past banners
Now in our sixth calendar year
PCR #261  (Vol. 6, No. 12)  This edition is for the week of March 21--27, 2005.

"Sin City"
 by Mike Smith
The Minnesota School Shooting
 by Mike "Deadguy" Scott
Blade Band Reunion Must Be Stopped!
 by Andy Lalino
The Return of Kolchak....Culture Club Threats
 by Matt Drinnenberg
Movie Notes....Terri Shiavo....Money For Matt....Why Yes, I Do Hate You....Passing On....Jaws: The Story, Part 12
 by Mike Smith
Archives of Nolan's Pop Culture Review
Archives 2005
Archives 2004
Archives 2003
Archives 2002
Archives 2001
Archives 2000
Email PCR
Andy Lalino
Oddservations by Andy Lalino

Blade Band Reunion Must Be Stopped!

I got this weird e-mail from some Culture Club club. They must have been trying to reach you, but e-mailed it to me by mistake. I thought publishing it in Oddservations would be appropriate so we can expose these goons for who they really are. I think they're trying to sabotage NolanCon 2005 - esp. the "Blade" reunion!

Give 'em hell!
- Andy

Dear Mr. Canova,
Hello, my name is Martin Gary Spandau, and I represent the "Culture Club International Alliance of 30-something Fanboys", as body president. It has been brought to my attention that you and like-minded friends were planning on reuniting your heavy metal band "Blade" at the forthcoming "NolanCon 2005" in Tampa, Florida. Mr. Canova, our organization simply cannot allow this. You may not know me from Adam, however the occurrences detailed below will give you a clearer understanding of our organizations position on this pressing matter.

During my own personal high school years, as well as others in our Culture Club organization, we Boy George fans were ridiculed mercilessly by you brutal, thuggish metal heads. Our tender skins, psyches, and yes; even anuses were the recipient of countless spitballs, wedgies, teasings, and abject humility. I recall one event when some bully in a "Ronnie James Dio" concert shirt (black with a demon holding a whip) chucked sharpened rocks at my private "areas". I still have a scar below my left testicle as a result from that denigrating assault.

For years Culture Club fans have been tortured, brutalized, and shamed by you long-haired, hippie head-bangers! Now that we're older and wiser, it's time to "take our revenge" so to speak, by having our army of lawyers put a stop to band reunion like that of "Blade" in an effort to erase those hurtful memories of past aggressions. Our legal representative, counselor Falco Duran, has filed a complaint with the Sci-Fi/Horror Convention Bureau in Pueblo, Colorado, in an effort to stop this coming together from ever taking place.

I implore Culture Club fans the world over to bombard the Crazed Fanboy (TM) with hate e-mails to influence certain Blade band members from abstaining to reunite. To arms! To arms!!

Since you metal heads are well-known for worshiping the devil, counselor Duran has also filed a "Commencement of Action" with the Christian Coalition, which will result in hundreds of pure Born-Agains to picket the hotel where NolanCon 2005 will take place. As you can see, we are taking care of this situation on all fronts, and mark my words: YOU WILL BE STOPPED!!!

Lastly, I have enclosed a personal message from Boy George himself (George O' Dowd), which will I hope influence your decision to put this "Blade" reunion out of your mind:

From Boy George:
"'ello, Nolan, luv. This here's Boy George, Culture Club's lead singer, mate. You sissy head bangers think rock & roll's all about long 'air & bangin' 'eads. Dat's utter bullshit, cor! Rock & Roll is all about acceptance, luv. Straights, gays, gender-benders. 'Ere all welcum 'ere. I 'ear you've been teasin' my fans ever since 1983! That just won't do, mate. Truthfully, I don't like this scheme of gettin' together this 'ard rock band, mate. 'Eavy Metal's gone, man - dead! I recall back in 1979, me, Divine, and Klaus Nomi used to burn Black Sabbath records in our flat, then, we'd pop on some Velvet Underground and Roxy Music and pop off! Give it a rest, luv. This 'Blade' reunion mustn't happen, mate. Too many hurt feelings are at stake. As a peace offerin' I'm enclosing two tickets to our gig in Manchester. Just tell the doorman you're with John Moss. Cheers!"

First, to "Boy George" -- You're a fine one to tell me what's "dead" as far as music goes! Although I can't argue with your choice of Velvet Underground for listening pleasure, I resent your doing it during a Black Sabbath record-burning party! Then again, Sabbath would only serve to remind you of what real men's devil-worshipping music was about, so I can see why they threatened you. Thanks for the two free tickets, I'll use them to light candles in the pentagram room while I listen to "The Mob Rules"!

To Mr. Spandau -- Sorry about the testicle incident--I was aiming for your ass and you moved at the last second. I think you were doing some pasty-faced pogo dance or something. I was probably driven to throw sharpened rocks due to the backwards masked lyrics embedded in whatever I was listening to at the time. So, bascially the devil made me do it.

Although Blade was originally marketed as a heavy metal band (and those are my fondest days), by the end, we had actually evolved/mutated/morphed into what might be called a pop act with punk overtones (a la Cheap Trick). One-trick pony indeed!

See you on the picket line. Best wear a thick cod-piece to protect yourself against any out-of-control rivet-heads!

Nolan B. Canova

"Oddservations" is ©2005 by Andy Lalino.  The Oddservations banner is a creation of Andy Lalino. All other graphics are creations of Nolan B. Canova.  All contents of Nolan's Pop Culture Review are ©2005 by Nolan B. Canova.