Dr. Lisa's Devilishly Delicious December Design*Do you have the holiday blues? Do you sometimes wonder how you’ll survive now that all the Halloween horror specials of October are over?
Are you tired, groggy and listless? Are you traumatized by tinsel and scared to shop?
Do you have no place to go, even if there's no snow?
Do you have Fa La La Fatigue, Dreidel Dread, Kwanzaa Kraziness or Winter Solstice Sadness?
Are you tired of all the reindeer games?
What you need is a good dose of murder, mystery and mayhem.
Today is your lucky day! For a limited time only, you can get Dr. Lisa’s patented, guaranteed plan -- the Devilishly Delicious December Design* -- free of charge. This amazing plan is so simple and easy that anyone can use it!
Step One: Choose a book or movie from the list below.
Devilishly Delicious December Book Choices:
A Carol for A Corpse (A Hemlock Falls Mystery) by Claudia Bishop – Someone with a paintball gun is taking down inflatable Santas all over town. The Quilliam sisters hope that a visit to their inn by a popular magazine/TV show editor will give them some much-needed publicity. When the editor’s husband skis to his death, the sisters get involved in the investigation. “But the slopeside slayer has a message for them: You better watch out.”
The Stupidest Angel:A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror by Christopher Moore – The tiny town of Pine Cove, California is bustling with holiday spirit. All except seven-year old Joshua Barker, that is, who saw Santa get knocked in the head with a shovel. Archangel Raziel is sent down from above to fix things here on earth, but screws up royally and sends the town into some serious Christmas chaos.
The Vampire’s Christmas by Joseph Michael Linsner – What do vampires want for Christmas? Blood, of course. But Santa has put the vampire Esque on his Naughty List, so Esque will have to do his own shopping on Christmas Eve. He should be able to pick up some good stocking stuffers, however, with all those tasty-looking holiday shoppers milling about.
Charles Dickens’ Christmas Ghost Stories by Charles Dickens and Peter Hanning – A collection of short stories about some most unusual Yuletide spirits.
Chanukah Guilt by Ilene Schneider – Rabbi Coven’s life takes a weird turn when she agrees to officiate at the funeral of an unpopular land developer. She hears stories of murder and then the funeral is followed by what looks like a suicide. Coven’s search for answers leads her to questions better left unasked.
December by Phil Rickman – A rock band made up of psychics record their album at the ancient ruins of a Welsh abbey. Fourteen years later, the haunted band members are forced into a reunion of sorts by an unstoppable evil force.
Devilishly Delicious December Film Choices:
Dead End – Frank hates driving his family to his mother-in-law’s house for Christmas each year. After twenty years of the same drive, Frank takes a shortcut. This unfortunate wrong turn takes Frank and his family to an inescapable fate more terrifying than Christmas with the in-laws could ever be.
Santa’s Slay – Why is Santa angry and murderous? Because he’s really the devil’s son who was forced to spend the last thousand years playing jolly ole St. Nick after losing a bet with an angel; that's why. Now that the bet is over, he’s got some revenge killing to do.
Black Christmas – Before director Bob Clark gave the world A Christmas Story, he gave us this gem about a crazed murderer who toys with a sorority house during Christmas break. First he makes obscene phone calls to the sorority sisters, then he murders them. “If this movie doesn’t make your skin crawl, it’s on too tight.” Remade in 2006. (Screening Thursday, December 20, at 6 p.m. at the Salvador Dali Museum in St. Pete. Free with museum admission ($5 after 5 p.m. every Thursday), beer for sale, free refreshments.)
You Better Watch Out (a.k.a. Christmas Evil) – Sad little boy loves Christmas. Sad little boy adores Santa Claus. Sad little boy is traumatized by seeing Santa doing something way more than kissing Mommy under the Christmas tree. Sad little boy grows into weird and unstable guy obsessed with children’s behavior (naughty or nice?) and making high quality toys. Weird and unstable guy snaps, dons a Santa suit, picks up an axe and kills some people just for the heck of it.
Silent Night, Deadly Night – The ultimate Yuletide horror film. What do you get when you cross living in an orphanage managed by a cruel Mother Superior with the traumatic memory of seeing your parents killed by a man in a Santa suit? You get a Santa slasher who would rather rape, strangle or decapitate you than deliver presents down the chimney. Followed by four sequels.
Don’t Open Til Christmas – In this British film, a murderer is stalking men dressed as Santa and killing them in extremely violent ways. “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire” will have a whole new meaning after seeing this movie.
The Christmas Season Massacre – Poor Tommy. He was a loser and the subject of abuse in high school. Now he’s turned into a bloodthirsty maniac who has sworn to kill all of his high school tormentors. The six remaining students band together and plan to kill Tommy first. Poor, poor Tommy.
Elves – Evil Nazis. Genetic experiments. A menacing plastic elf. Teenagers trapped in a department store. A misleading film title that promises multiple elves instead of the lone elf in the film. Dan “Grizzly Adams” Haggerty as Santa Claus. What else do you really need?
Step Two: Read/Review. React. Reflect. Rinse. Repeat as needed.
It’s that simple! It’s so easy that anyone can do it!
Now, what would you expect to pay for such a program? Would you pay three easy payments of $19.99? How about two easy payments of $19.99?
Would you believe zero payments of $0.00?
That’s right! For a limited time only – and while supplies last – Dr. Lisa’s patented, guaranteed Devilishly Delicious December Design* is available to you today at no charge.
Act fast, because supplies are limited. Begin your Devilishly Delicious December* today!
*[Fine Print: Dr. Lisa is not a medical doctor and this article should not be taken as medical advice. Please consult your doctor before reading suspenseful books or watching slasher movies. This program is neither patented nor guaranteed. The author makes no claims regarding the quality of the titles contained herein and does not claim to have read or watched them all herself. Readers following this plan do so at their own risk. Author not responsible if readers still have a sucky December. Plan not available in Iceland and Sri Lanka. All federal, state and local taxes and regulations apply. Tax, tag and title not included. Offer good while supplies last. Allow 4-6 weeks for delivery. Wait at least an hour after reading this article before swimming.]
"FANGRRL" is ©2007 by Lisa Ciurro. All graphics, except where otherwise noted, are creations of Nolan B. Canova. All contents of Nolan's Pop Culture Review are ©2007 by Nolan B. Canova.
