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| MY MIDDLE TOE Thoughts on Chris Benoit Days Later by Mark Terry | |||
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Here's the post by Mr. 1987, with my comments to follow:
I just wanted to respond to some of your complaints about me.
As you know, I'm the year when Robocop, Predator, Fatal Attraction, The Untouchables, The Princess Bride, Monster Squad, Evil Dead 2, and Lethal Weapon came out in cinemas. Star Trek: The Next Generation started on television. You could hear U2's The Joshua Tree and Peter Gabriel's Sledgehammer on the radio. You could also hear Whitesnake's "Here I go Again" on the radio, but people were more interested in watching the video because of Tawny Kitaen. Yeah, Tawny fucking Kitaen happened in me (there's got to be a better way to say that, I know!). Oh, yeah, I had Guns n' Roses! The FOX network started and one of their first shows was Werewolf, which was a lot like the Hulk, except when the traveling hero got angry he turned into a werewolf instead of a green Lou Ferrigno. I was the year Too Close for Comfort and Gimme a Break finally ended their reigns of terror. Have you heard from Nell Carter recently? No? Well, you can thank me for that! Actually, 2003 did that, but still!
I mean, if I were 1986 (that slut!), I would understand your animosity. She had Crocodile Dundee and The Karate Kid II and Dynasty and Cagney and Lacey and Falcon Crest and Highway to Heaven and Murder She Wrote. Sure, she had Aliens, but she also had Howard the fucking Duck. Or what about 1985? We're still trying to get him up for charges against humanity with that whole New Coke thing and all the Styrofoam containers used for the McDLTs.
I don't know where this obsession with me began, Andy, and I don't want to know. Sure I'm attractive and my back is shaved in that way you could only achieve by using the Gillette Good News Plus razor, but still...I just know it's time you backed off and left me alone. We had a thing, you and I, I remember. I still have your letters written on Magnum PI Fan Club stationery. I remember the way you looked in those short shorts and the way you could never quite achieve the mustache. I even liked it when you called me Higgins. Those were good times.
But it's time to let go and stop this libelous campaign you have against me.
Please, Andy.” My Response:
Okay, 1987 - you're in for it. Time to take the gloves off - you're cruisin' for a bruisin'.
Regarding "RoboCop"; yes, it's a movie I enjoyed, and consider a significant contribution to the sci-fi genre, but the reality is not every single good release falls under the "I hate '87" banner. There are obviously transitional works (films, books, art, TV, etc.) which are in the '86/'87 no-man's-land, and you managed to name one of those examples ("Hellraiser" is another).
Moving on.
Wow, you proved my point explicitly when you mentioned 'Fatal Attraction'. You chose a hum-dinger example out of a ocean load of films which typifies why your year is such an utterly lousy one. The success of 'Fatal Attraction' and like films led to the downfall of the dominance horny young males once possessed as an American moviegoing force. Let's see...now that this turbo-charged Lifetime for Women drek was produced, it inevitably appealed to the everyday mainstream gal - a very negative demographic that haunts theater lobbies and auditoriums to this day - unceasingly. These are no doubt the same girlies who gorge themselves on Paris Hilton gossip and chit-chat endlessly on pink cell phones while their purse dollars sprout wings. Inevitably this film would end on the censor's desk, chopping out all of Glenn Close's topless scenes to git it ready for a perpetual run on Oxygen.
Moving on to *groan* "The Princess Bride". Let's just say I'd rather be watching "Conan the Barbarian".
Moving on to "The Monster Squad". As not to offend certain fanboys, I'll refrain from commenting. Let's just say I'll take Fred Grandy any day.
1987 - I will give you "The Untouchables". Great film. But, then again Brian dePalma was from the '70s bumper crop of hero filmmakers.
Let's talk "Evil Dead 2" for a second. Yes, I did enjoy the film. BUT...it was...funny. The original was not funny - it was frightening. Why did Raimi choose to make ED2 a comedy? Why? Did this angle ultimately hurt horror? Was the terror onslaught that was Fulci, "Friday the 13th", "Halloween", and "Nightmare on Elm Street" now a big joke? Was horror now something to laugh at? Think about it.
1987, don't insult me by citing 'Lethal Weapon', which to this day I have not - and would never - watch. It marked Mel Gibson's unwelcome introduction to big, dumb mainstream Hollywood drivel, and to this day we have still not seen him return to the road as Max. If there's one series of movie's I'd love to erase from our collective memories, the 'Lethal Weapon' series would be right up there.
'Star Trek: The Next Generation'?!? Hah! Please don't make me spew. I'm on record (see past Oddservations and Nolan will confirm this) as DESPISING any and all attempts to "reimagine" the original Star Trek (I the unshakable purist). STTNG is scathingly dull, politically-correct sci-fi which features - largely - one talking head gabbing to another. This is a series for real sadists, and it was one of the most depressing feelings of my life oddserving such a stinker succeed - phony spaceship explosions & all. I knew right then and there - in 1987 - that fanboys no longer had the will or good taste to defend purity within the confines of the three great genres. Instead, they embraced this mediocrity with open arms and begged for more. I knew things were never going to be the same again - that's why I hate you, '87.
I am also on record as admitting that U2's "The Joshua Tree" was by far their very worst album. Who wants to see U2 discover the U.S. of A.? By God, they're an Irish band with a great European New Wave history, the last place they should draw inspiration from is the US! Never should have been recorded. Give me "War" any day.
In regard to Peter Gabriel's "So", I have the CD, which is copyright 1986 (and '84).
Tawny Kitaen?!? I rest my case. Give me Martha Davis, Claire Grogan or Dale Bozzio any day, chump. Whitesnake?!? No true-blue New Waver would be caught dead listening to Coverdale & Co.! Same with GnR!!! You're making my case for me big time!!!!!
Oh, and another thing - the 'Fox network' should have made like "It's A Wonderful Life" and never should have been. This network has been the absolute worst thing to hit TV since the Democratic national conventions. 'the simpsons'? 'Melrose Place'? 'Beverly Hills 90210'? Fox was so unwelcome by this fanboy that it chafed.
I also refuse to defend mid-'80s television, which I'm sure is irksome to you, Mr. 1987. The shows cited ("Too Close for Comfort", etc.) as having been exterminated shall receive no fond farewell from me. I'm on record as stating that since the advent of ma & pa video stores (1983), I dropped watching the boob tube altogether, in favor of "I Spit on Your Grave" and "The Boogeyman". Television is a medium best left to 16 year old girls.
And how dare you denigrate 1985 and 1986!? Might I remind you that '85 was also the year of "Demons", Live Aid, The Breakfast Club, Back to School, and "Rock Me Amadeus". Sorry, your few negative citations can't eclipse the fact that '85 was a banner year - perhaps the best year ever - in terms of New Wave music. '86 was nearly as good, as we waved goodbye to Frankie Goes to Hollywood (last album: "Liverpool") and hello to Hipsway. "Demons 2" was released as a rush sequel to the original classic (and would mark one of the last times an independent Italian horror film would ever again see its way to the big screen). '86 also treated us to "Weird Science" (and the great Oingo Boingo song of the same name), Simple Minds' "Once Upon a Time", the aforementioned Peter Gabriel album "So", and Dire Straits' "Brothers in Arms".
So there you have it, '87. You are the big wrong turn, and it takes a fanboy with guts and exemplary taste to finger your footprints and snuff you out. Do us a favor and keep your Debbie Gibsons, New Kids on the Blocks, Tiffanys, and Run DMC's. We don't like you, we don't want you, and we hope your wrinkle in time becomes a permanent obliteration. No one could state my case better than Mr. Hanover Pfiste from that great animated 1981 film "Heavy Metal":
My Response to Puff Chrissy's 1987 - The "Big Wrong Turn"
For those who tiptoe through the mine field known as the Crazed Fanboy Message Boards, an oddservant frequent visitor may have noted a post entered by Puff Chrissy, an occasional contributor. The punch line of Puff's post was that it was presumably penned by a nebulous entity known as the dreaded year of "1987" in lily-limp defense of its pathetic existence. I decided to respond to Mr. 1987 here in Oddservations as opposed to the boards, which are at times fleeting. I'd like this to be a permanent, scathing attack on the foul year that steered 'pop culture' away from everything significant and worthwhile, and made sci-fi/horror/fantasy/alternative music forgotten jokes in the wake of a mainstream renaissance.
Hangin's too good for '87!
Burnin's too good for '87!
'87 should be torn into itsy-bitsy pieces...
and buried alive!
"Oddservations" is ©2007 by Andy Lalino. The Oddservations banner is a creation of Andy Lalino. All other graphics, except where otherwise noted, are creations of Nolan B. Canova. All contents of Nolan's Pop Culture Review are ©2007 by Nolan B. Canova.