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   Now in our eleventh calendar year
    PCR #530  (Vol. 11, No. 21)  This edition is for the week of May 17--23, 2010.

"Shrek Forever After"  by Mike Smith
DVD Review: "Greydon Clark Drive-In Double Feature: Hi-Riders & The Bad Bunch"  by ED Tucker
Samurai Princess  by Jason Fetters
My Dinner With Carl (with Apologies To Wallace Shawn) .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... Mike's Record Shelf by Mike Smith

Samurai Princess

Maybe it was overindulging on Chinese food at Top’s China Buffet in Brandon and my mind was drifting off but something compelled me to buy and watch Samurai Princess. Just before picking up the DVD at Moviestop, I told my friend, “The best thing about this DVD is probably the box art.”

I meant that in jest. However, I was right.

Samurai Princess starts out bad as it is clearly shot on a camcorder for someone’s backyard production. There are several mistakes in the first action sequence as the Princess slices off one guy’s ears using a samurai sword. You see his ears fall off and land in a boiling cauldron and then you see a head shot with both ears still attached. Probably the worst example of special effects that I have ever sat through that make bad movies like Robot Monster and Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster actually look good.

The basic plot is a young girl and her friends are attacked by a weird group of rapists. She manages to escape only to be captured later. After being captured, you see her friend tied up as a burly guy with a chainsaw saws upwards between her legs. It is not really horrifying because of how cheesy it looks. You just see a chainsaw and a lot of blood sprayed on the actress’s face. I imagine some effects guy just off camera holding a hose attached to some machine filled with fake blood. The effect doesn’t work at all.

I believe that rape was hinted at but this was never shown or revealed in the basic plot. The next morning you see fake-looking body parts in a pile. A Buddhists nun meets up with one really strange dude accompanied by cute girls. They go through the piles of body parts and demand that the nun help them build a body out of the parts. So as a result of a Buddhist’s prayer, the Samurai Princess is created from her own and her friends’ body parts and internal organs.

Once reanimated, she vows to take revenge on those awful rapists who chopped everyone up.

This is were I fell asleep, it was probably too much Crab Rangoon, but I managed to stay awake to see the most boring sex scene ever filmed.

Apparently the Princess hooks up with some guy and they hit it off. Next you see her naked and the bland sex scenes follow. She wakes up and it was all just a dream. Now, it does take remarkable talent to ruin a sex scene and you have to wonder if director Kengo Kaji has even seen enough adult entertainment to make an interesting sex scene.

I have my doubts.

After that I went back to sleep only to wake up to loud screaming as the Princess slices and dices several rapists. The action scenes were so poorly executed that I went back to sleep. This movie will never get a second viewing from me. I know that certain films out there require more than one viewing but there are exceptions when something is this bad. Actually, Curse of the Silken Web, which I absolutely hated, had more storyline then Samurai Princess.

I would only recommend Samurai Princess as a cure for insomniacs. There is nothing here to recommend Asian Film fans, horror fans, or anyone for that matter. The target audience is probably teenagers. This is the kind of film that would play for a couple of weekends and then disappear without a trace but in the day. Nowadays, Samurai Princess would just sit on a shelf at Moviestop or Sound Exchange for all eternity.

Watching Samurai Princess is like going into the worst Haunted House in the world at some random carnival. The kind of experience that after spending ten bucks or less, you realize that buying a hot dog and a Coke would have been the better choice.

This is not even fit for the Mystery Science treatment that can make really awful movies somehow bearable.

Samurai Princess gets ½ of a star from me and that ½ all goes to the DVD box cover. Unfortunately I was right about that.

Next week, I may be brave enough to watch my other purchase, Zombie Hunter Rika, which has to be better.

"The Asian Aperture" is ©2010 by Jason Fetters. Webpage design and all graphics herein (except where otherwise noted) are creations of Nolan B. Canova. All contents of Nolan's Pop Culture Review are ©2010 by Nolan B. Canova.